Aka Snakeman, this SyFy (nee, SciFi)
Channel TV movie got released in Europe as a direct-to-DVD "movie",
and somewhere, somehow, a copy of that DVD release appeared in our to-watch
pile. And watch it we finally did do…
German Trailer:
An invertebrate
liar — let's say, someone with the honesty and grasp of reality as the National
Embarrassment busy destroying the USA's future when he isn't watching TV or tweeting idiocies —
might say that The Snake King is a
good film. But, as we do like to at least tell an approximation of the truth,
we won't say that. Instead, we'll admit: The
Snake King is one shitty film. It is cheap and by the numbers and full of
stock characters (if any of the figures can even be said of being a
"character"), it is predictable and badly made, and there is ALMOST
nothing about the movie that in any way could qualify as good.
To clarify that
"almost": the stock footage of the Rain Forest is actually rather top
notch.
But as crappy as
the movie is, it is also rather fun in its own idiotic way, and with a six-pack
and a joint and the right company, The
Snake King becomes a rather enjoyable viewing experience. Its very cheapness
is part of its appeal, and as whole the movie comes across less like an insult
to one's intelligent than a full-color, semi-state-of-the-cheap-arts,
contemporary recreation of the disposable Poverty Row second features that
padded the screening hours of American cinemas for much of the prior mid-century.
And as poorly made as it is, the technical and thespian aspects of The Snake King nevertheless truly slut-shame
other bottom-of-the-barrel, Z-grade SyFy Channel turds like Christopher Ray's Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus (USA,
2010) and/or Shark Week (USA, 2012).
It is easy to
imagine the genesis of the movie. Someone decided it was time to do an Anaconda-style snake movie, but
with an even lower budget. Then someone probably said, "Wouldn't it be
cool if the snake had three heads?" (Even later, after the filming was
already underway, someone then said, "Wouldn't it be cooler if the snake
had five heads?" — which explains why the number of heads on the snake
keeps changing.) Then a list of stock characters was put together (roles later
filled with a bunch of cost-effective semi-actors), an [faked] exotic location
chosen, a typically inane MacGuffin thought out, and a death scene or two timed
in at every 10 to 15 pages. (And then when they realized that they didn't have
enough characters to keep killing until the end, a whole new airplane full of
snake fodder was written into the script.) The sheer mundanity of the
by-the-numbers script reveals a deep familiarity with the clichés of low
culture, trashy family cinema, and way too many years spent in front of the TV
watching after-school Creature Features.
There is little
about The Snake King that in any way
speaks of quality, but at least one gets the feeling that everyone involved knew
what they were doing and, instead of using the film as an opportunity to flip
the bird at the audience, decided to have a good time and do their best. True, considering
its Rain Forest jungle setting and the involvement of indigenous tribes, the
film misses the chance of displaying a parade of naked "native"
breasts and/or dangling weenies, but then it is an American TV monster flick
and not some Italo cannibal gut-muncher. (Go here for a masterpiece of that.)
And the plot?
OK, some evil mega-concern discovers that the secret to longevity lies with
some isolated tribe and sends down two scientists, Dr Susan Elters (Jayne
Heitmeyer) and Dr. Rick Gordon (Larry Day of Night of the Demons III [1997 / trailer]), to make
contact with the tribe. They hire the helicopter-flying guide Matt Ford (Stephen
"I Have Seen the Way" Baldwin of Posse*
[1993 / trailer]),
but due to Gordon's alpha-man idiocy**
the helicopter crashes with the entire team in the jungle. Of course Matt is
friends with the local natives of the Jaguar tribe (who wear fake cat whiskers!),
so in no time flat a couple of inordinately loyal indigenous, acting as human
pack horses on the trek to the "near-by" camp, are added to the
fodder list. But before they can get to the camp, all those who don't fall
victim to the three-to-five-headed snake end up prisoners of the Snake Tribe,
who are pissed that the mega-concern has stolen a stone sarcophagus of great religious
significance…
* A film much better than its general
obscurity would lead one to believe.
** OK, the do-we-or-don't-we-fly scene, while neither
the first nor the last scene to show Rick as a privileged macho asshole, definitely
underscores the fact that he is… But: in all truth, if Matt truly thought it unsafe to
fly, it was his responsibility as the experienced pilot to say "No."
Still, Rick is a total dick, so one keeps waiting for him to die… And waiting,
and waiting, and waiting… Kudos to the movie for keeping such an asshole around
for such a long time.
Again: The Snake King is a bad movie. But bad
can be fun, and this movie is fun — it kept us entertained and laughing up
until it final, moralistic ending portending a happy (and probably long) future
for Susan and Matt within the Snake Tribe. But any movie that begins with a
cheesy double death and ends with a cheesy massacre and makes use of every
cliché available in-between is simply hard to hate.
Director Allan
A. Goldstein, in what appears to be his last directorial effort to date — his
not overly short list of C-film credits includes movies produced by Maria Rohm
— keeps the action going quickly enough and keeps his shots easy and clear. The
CGI is pretty cheap, but its ridiculousness adds to the film's enjoyment
factor. The acting is across-the-board serviceable, although it is bad enough
that Stephan "Am I Dry?" Baldwin almost comes across as if he were acting,
too, instead of just going through the motions. It is Larry Day's turn as alpha
asshole Rick that is the most fun, though: verging on camp, one has a strong
desire to hiss and throw popcorn whenever he appears (in part, probably,
because he is as a character so reminiscent of so many privileged white
assholes of the type everyone has had to deal with somewhere along the way). He
is only outshone when the hands-on, white, privileged, mega-asshole boss of the
concern, Dr John Simon (Gary Hudson), shows up with his team of muscle-bound mercenaries
— fodder, one and all, as they deserve to become for not showing, via full
frontals, whether every body part is proportional in size.
The Snake King, good for
laughs, but awful in every way — and one you can watch with the kids, if
needed. They might even take it seriously.
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