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That said, Blonde Heaven—no ands, ifs or buts about it—sucks, and not just because it’s (supposedly) a vampire film. Even at fast forward this piece of celluloid detritus is much too long; for all the silicone mountains featured onscreen, this flick is a visual torture that makes one beg to go blind. Populated with never-have-been, never-will-be and already have been silicon-pumped bimbos (like Julie Strain) and muscular workout-room junkies, no plot is anywhere to be found between the excessively long flesh parades. Sure, there is some mumbo jumbo about vampires running an escort agency, a brainless cowboy from Oklahoma out to save his "I want more from life than babies" ex-girlfriend and a vampire-hunting film projectionist, but any attempts at establishing a plot or the viewer’s interest are tossed aside and obliterated by the excruciatingly long, boring and un-erotic soft-core scenes.
Fact is, Blonde Heaven is basically a dickless porno film. Its entire structure is that of a Solitary Hand Job Assistant in that every three minutes of non-existent narrative is followed by a 10-minute sex scene, only the sex scenes feature no sex—just a lot of artificial, perfectly sculptured bodies moving back and forth, up and down, side to side and all around. Were Blonde Heaven a hardcore wank-fest video, it would at least have one redeemable feature. As it is, whether titled Blonde Heaven or Morgana, the flick is nothing more than a good argument for killing the director.
Fact is, Blonde Heaven is basically a dickless porno film. Its entire structure is that of a Solitary Hand Job Assistant in that every three minutes of non-existent narrative is followed by a 10-minute sex scene, only the sex scenes feature no sex—just a lot of artificial, perfectly sculptured bodies moving back and forth, up and down, side to side and all around. Were Blonde Heaven a hardcore wank-fest video, it would at least have one redeemable feature. As it is, whether titled Blonde Heaven or Morgana, the flick is nothing more than a good argument for killing the director.
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