Museum of the Dead/Zombie Attack (2004)

One of the hardest things to believe about this "movie" from 2004 is that "director" James Glenn Dudelson has supposedly "directed" some seven other films, for at best Museum of the Dead comes across as a freshman film project of a talentless student whose rich parents bought his way into a fifth-rate film school – and even in the most undemanding of film schools, the project would have gotten an F-. Seldom does a film get made that is as bereft of any likeable quality as is this one – one can only wonder why it was ever even made in the first place. No story, no characterization, crappy acting, crappy music, crappy CGI, crappy make-up, crappy sets, lousy dubbing... but, worst of all, as shitty as the film is, it isn't even enjoyable as a bad film. In comparison to the talent displayed by James Glenn Dudelson in this film, Jim Wynorski displays the talent of a Stanley Kubrick in any given movie of his entire oeuvre (Vampirella included).
The minimal plot concerns two girls – one blond and ditzy, one brunette and serious (Tanya Vidal – obviously so ashamed of the flick that, at the time this review is being written, she doesn't even list it her IMDB filmography) – who decide to go to a once-a-year special opening of the Museum of the Dead on Halloween. Once inside, they wander around a maze of corridors (actually only one corridor filmed from different angles) and cheap sets until zombies start attacking. In-between, some ghostly cannibal savage keeps popping up to attack and kill people, and two spear-carrying Egyptian female warriors also make a guest appearance for no logical reason. Other museum guests show up for a few seconds at a time only to promptly get attacked and turned into zombies. Among the few guests that are given a little extra time are a fat buddy of the two babes, a “good” thief out to steal a certain museum piece so as to return it to its rightful owners and some cops answering the serious girl’s mobile phone call for help (of course, after that first call, she drops and loses the phone). The twist ending is ridiculous.
To talk about what makes Museum of the Dead a crappy film is easy. What is impossible, however, is to find one redeemable quality in the film – and that says a lot, considering some of the positive words that other bad films on this website get. Avoid this direct-to-DVD filmic abortion at all costs, for Museum of the Dead is truly one of those rare films that has no redeemable qualities at all – even as a project based on the concept of keeping starving actors off of welfare, this film remains an unforgivable insult to the world as a whole. Forget about buying this piece of shit – and if anyone ever gives you this movie, you should slap their face!