"I guess not every day is a happy, happy, happy day!"
Ice Cream Man (Clint Howard)
Unbelievably, the 1995 Ice Cream Man is said to have cost a supposed $2 million to make — it definitely doesn't look it. (On the other hand, the presence of Converse sneakers as a backer is definitely evident in the number of scenes that feature their product.) Most of the alleged budget may have gone for the cast, as it is oddly full with familiar faces and semi-remembered names that probably were surely more expensive than a simple unknown would have been, including a visibly inebriated (but still sort of DILF-looking, if you ignore the chronically flushed face and bad hair) Jan Michael-Vincent (15 Jul 1945 – 10 Feb 2019), of Damnation Alley (1977 / trailer), as Dt. Gifford, one of the two unusually incompetent detectives on the case. (His partner, Dt. Maldwyn, is played by the internationally not-famous Lee Majors II.) Other familiar faces include David Warner (29 Jul 1941 – 24 Jul 2022), of Waxworks (1988 / trailer) and The Omen (1976 / trailer) and so much more, who doesn't act as much as he does simply exude his character; the still MILFy Olivia Hussey (17 Apr 1951 – 27 Dec 2024), of The Cat and the Canary (1978), whose characterization of Nurse Wharton definitely leans towards the burlesque; and David Naughten (of Flying Virus [2001] and A Crack in the Floor [2000]) and Sandahl Bergman (of Red Sonja [1985]), neither of whom really stand out. Naughten's character, however, does make a hilarious exit.
Trailer to
Ice Cream Man:
Less familiar to many, but recognizable to some, is the face of the hot-tamale woman in the store who takes part in a one-minute scene in which she asks the Ice Cream Man (Clint Howard) for some advice on lipstick shades: billed "Brittania Parisot", she is actually the now former porn star Tori Welles doing an Easter-egg appearance in the only known non-porn feature film directorial project of her then husband, now retired porn director Paul Norman.
"You little turds are gonna have to learn, you can't run from the ice cream man!"
Ice Cream Man (Clint Howard)
"Wait!" you say, "Isn't Ice Cream Man a one-splooge wonder directed by the unknown Norman Apstein?" (Then again, maybe you don't say that.) Well, though the imdb and some other sources — at least, when this review was written in 2026 — would have you believe that Ice Cream Man is a one-splooge wonder, it is actually not the only movie directed by "Norman Apstein". Some three years earlier, "Norman Apstein" (italics ours) was also credited as having directed the D2V Erotic Adventures of the Three Musketeers (1992), which got released in Europe as a softcore flick but also hit the shelves in the US (and by now the net) with all the pumping, sucking, and grinding expected of a hardcore flick directed by bisexual-porn journeyman director Paul Norman (italics ours), the man who, one year earlier, in 1991, foisted his most [in]famous titles — Edward Penishands I, II & III — on the waiting public. (All three being truly poorly dubbed and acted bad-film fun with clinical detail that might nevertheless make your hands reach for your penis.) Why, amidst his then 14-odd year porn career,* Norman suddenly decided to do a non-porn project as idiosyncratic and odd and as child-centric as Ice Cream Man, we know not, but we do feel that the entire movie definitely has the vibe of a labor of love. (Blink and you might miss his cameo in the movie: he's supposedly the nutcase hanging from the rafters in the nuthouse scene.)
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* Norman's porn-director career spanned 25 years by the time he retired in 2000 with Hungry Holes, but his career in film goes back further than the porn movies he began making in the mid-'80s. He started out as an actor, appearing uncredited in the obscure navel-gazer The Sidelong Glance of a Pigeon Kicker (1970 / Trailer from Hell) and credited in the now apparently lost Russ Meyer imitation, Love and Kisses (1971), poster above, with Charles Napier. As far as we can tell, unlike his ex-wives (Tori Welles and Celleste), Norman never went all the way onscreen. His full (real) name, in any event, is Norman Paul Apstein.
"We believe in keeping out patients happy. We believe in compassion."
Crazy Doctor (Ed Morgan [31 Dec 1926 – 27 Jan 2013])
Ice Cream Man is a weird mix of a poorly made horror film crossed with a poorly made kiddy film. The titular ice cream man, Gregory (Clint Howard of Bloodrayne III: The Third Reich [2010], The Haunted World of El Superbeasto [2009], Carnosaur [2021], and so much more), is "created" in the B&W early '60s opening scene in which he, as a child, witnesses the killing of the legendary and loved local ice cream man. A decade or two later, Gregory now resides on the property of his former asylum nurse, Nurse Wharton (Hussey), to whom he pays his rent with ice cream. Driving around in his ice cream truck, which scene to scene is either embellished with the phrase "Watch out for the children" or "Watch out children", he kills a few people and a dog, kidnaps a kid called Small Paul (Mickey LeBeau of Wild Bill [1995 / trailer] and Lord of Illusions [1995 / trailer]), and hovers about as a continual threat for a group of local kids — The Goonies (1985 / trailer) raises both its hand here — who can't convince their parents or the cops that Gregory is a bad man.
"Serve and protect, my ass."
Nurse (Olivia Hussey)
Written by David Dobkin (who went on to direct Clay Pigeons [1998] and supply the story to the dud that is King Arthur & the Legend of Sword [2017]) and Sven Davison, Ice Cream Man is very much an on-purpose "bad movie". And as such, it opens its arms wide to its own flaws — bad acting, ridiculous story, narrative burlesque, scurrilous irreality — and does have its laughs and occasional off-the-wall visuals, and thus makes for easy viewing for fans of fun trash, providing you stick around through the relatively slow first third of the movie. Luckily, there are also some truly inspired moments in the movie — the flashbacks to Gregory's treatments are wonderfully surreal, Naughten's demise is fun, Andrea Evans (18 Jun 1957 – 9 Jul 2023) does well as Wanda, the local hot lady of easy virtue who has the hots for any man (including Gregory), the "talking heads" scene, all scenes involving the religious parents of the only female kiddy character Heather (Anndi McAfee), and the sudden (quickly dropped) excursion into the realm of Poe's The System of Dr Tarr and Professor Feather when the detectives go to the sanatorium.
"Most viral contagions are passed through oral transmission."
Small Paul (Mickey LeBeau)
And while it is perhaps understandable that a movie about a homicidal Ice Cream Man features a lot of kids in the plot, it is not understandable at all that although they get threatened and endangered, not one of them meets their maker. (Eli Roth definitely has less compunctions in this regard.) And of those adults who die in Ice Cream Man, the deaths are often less than unexceptional — hell, the two cops that become talking heads are even killed off-screen, with their death only revealed later. (To put it bluntly, when it comes to the visceral Ice Cream Man has small, anemic balls.)
For that, there are a few funny deaths — Naughten's, and that of the non-character, the girlfriend (pre-boobjob Stephanie Champlin of Witchcraft VI: The Devil's Mistress [1994 / trailer]) of the asshole older brother (Karl Makinen of Thirst [2015 / trailer]) — Clint Howard chews the scenery well, an eyeball gets eaten, Olivia Hussey is fun doing an intentionally bad acting turn, the narrative is appropriately ridiculous (if child-heavy), and the laughs are there. Of the last, however, there really could have been a lot more had Ice Cream Man only sprinkled more meanness.
Ultimately, Ice Cream Man is an okay "bad movie", and it is perhaps understandable that it has, over time, become a "cult movie". But it is also understandable that all attempts to get a sequel made have failed to date: it might be good enough to watch, and you'll even enjoy much of it, but on the whole it isn't really good enough to deserve a sequel.
A public service announcement from a wasted life:
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