(Spoilers) Also known, in
Germany, as Sexorgien der roten Mönche, which literally translates into the truly inviting title, Sex Orgies of the Red Monks — and a
misleading title, as there is nary an orgy anywhere in the movie.
One rumor has it
that Lucio Fulci was given the flick's "Presents" credit because he
was pulled from The Red Monks as
director and replaced by the flick's screenwriter, Gianni Martucci. Another
rumor has it that Fulci had absolutely nothing to do with the movie and even
went to court, unsuccessfully, to get his name removed from the film. What is
not rumor is that with this movie, Gianni Martucci seems to have capped his
less-than-spectacular career as screenwriter cum director with a less-than-spectacular
piece of sub-standard Italo-trash. We would hazard to guess that had Fulci
actually directed the movie, it surely would've been far better than it is now, but
even he probably wouldn't have been able to save this wanna-be Gothic horror
film that screams "Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!" just as loudly as it screams
"Incompetent scriptwriter"!
Which isn't to
say that somewhere within the diffuse, confused and scattershot period movie —
it is set mostly in the 1930s — there aren't the gossamer threads of an
interesting narrative that could've (perhaps) made a good horror movie, Gothic
or not. But for that to happen, far more care must be shown to the simplest of
movie-making aspects — beginning with a story that makes sense.
The plot is
almost tritely (and thus enjoyably) Gothic: a young woman of no special means
marries a rich man and moves into his castle, where suddenly he begins to act
strange, people die, she experiences unexplainable events, and doom seems to
loom as she runs around at night in her long white nightgown. But the plot, if
you get down to it, is a farce that neither remains true to itself nor the
viewer, and cheats on levels that reveal either a deep disrespect for the
audience, a total indifference in general, or a total lack of screenwriting
skills.
One
can't really talk about The Red Monks
without giving away the big plot twist, but the plot twist itself is one of
many things that help ruin the movie, as it makes the opening interlude
impossible, ridiculous, stupid — simply for the reason that the ending of the
movie would mean that the opening interlude would be impossible, as by the end
of the movie, all the chance of heirs no longer exists. But then, the opening
interlude also feels totally tacked on, as if it were added simply to pad the
running time, plot of the real movie be damned.
And what happens
during the opening interlude? After a meeting a violin-playing woman (who obviously
stumbled in from another movie and never shows up again later) in the
gardens of the estate he has just inherited, a man wanders through the
dilapidated house only to spy a naked women strolling through the ruins; following
her through the house and deep into the cellars, when he finally catches up
with her, he hardly has time to say "Hello, nice tits" before she
beheads him. And then, to the subtitle "50 years earlier", the real
movie begins — and ends with the death of the last line in the family, thus making
the heir of the opening film impossible. (And that is the smallest of the
obvious flaws of the story.)
The production
values of The Red Monks resembles
those of a mid-budget TV movie, one with lots of tits but an overly streamlined
narrative (the male and female leads meet and marry within minutes, for
example). Care is taken for beautiful period cars, locations, and half-way
decent outfits, but saved on special effects and gore. The acting is all over
the place: the two lead females — penniless painter and eventual wife Ramona
Curtis (Lara Wendel of Killing Birds
[1987 / trailer]
and Tenebre [1982 / trailer])
and MILF housekeeper Pricilla (Malisa Longo of Elsa Fräulein SS aka Captive Women 4 aka Fräuline Kitty [1977
/ trailer],
A Cat in the Brain [1990 / trailer]
and the trash classic War of the Robots [1978 / full movie])
— do rather well, but the lead male —
rich landowner Robert Garlini (Gerardo Amato of Caligula [1979 / trailer]
and Notturno con grida [1981 / title track])
— and the tertiary characters of importance, like the French housemaid Lucille (Mary
Maxwell) and the period-pimp-looking dude, are thespian disasters.
Likewise, the use of the same actor (Claudio
Pacifico of the recent turkey, Dead of the Nite [2013 / trailer])
to play a living historian and then a royalty of centuries past is also more
than jarring, as the two don't have anything in common — or do they? And what's
with that cheesy-looking spider that pops up twice but has nothing to do with
anything — or does it? Lastly, there is an aspect of the plot that pops up twice
that is simply repugnant by modern standards: rape is the way to a woman's
heart. Did people really still believe that in 1988? (OK, maybe in Italy; in the US, however, by 1988 rape may still have been the woman's fault, but no one really believed anymore that it was the way to her heart.)
That aside, all
the female nudity of the movie, courtesy Lara Wendel and Malisa Longo, remains
the most interesting aspect of the entire movie. (Indeed, we're startled to
realize that delicious Lara Wendel of this flick is the same oddly unappealing
and frumpy Lara Wendel of Ghosthouse
[1988], a film she made the same year as The Red Monks.) However, what should be
actually be the most interesting aspect — that those you think are
"good", are actually "bad", while those you think are
"bad", are actually "good" — is handled so incompetently
that it also becomes the movie's most annoyingly grating aspect. The
switch-a-roo is so jarringly out of place, so unbelievable on all levels, that
it becomes less a twist than simply stupid.
The Red Monks: nice cars,
nice butts and breasts, nice scenery, but incompetently made, dull,
uninteresting, and ultimately a both unsatisfying and annoying cinematic
experience. There are better bad films out there to waste your time on. The Red Monks is a true rarity — it's a
film that makes you wish you were at work.
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