Sunday, November 22, 2015

Wishmaster IV: The Prophecy Fulfilled (Canada, 2002)

Roughly a year ago, we caught the first Wishmaster (1997), which we found mildly entertaining: "as a horror film it offers little new or innovative, but it is a fun and at times almost campy film that goes well with, well, a six-pack, chips and a joint (which is actually what we consumed it with)." That we have now watched Wishmaster IV: The Prophecy Fulfilled has less to do with the fact that the first movie mildly entertained us than that we found a working copy of the DVD on the street — and despite the fact that we should know better, we never say no to a free DVD.
And, indeed: there was a reason that whoever dropped the DVD didn't find it worth bending over to pick it back up again: this Canadian-made, direct-to-video tax deduction licks leprous caribou cunt.
The fourth and the last of the series, it was filmed back-to-back with part three, Wishmaster III: Beyond the Gates of Hell (2002 / trailer), and going by this instalment, we feel safe to say that the two combined served well to nail the coffin lid of the franchise shut. As was to be expected, in truth, seeing that both the two direct-to-video sleeping pills were directed by some guy named Chris Angel, a man with a porno-star name who, in 1999, also directed one of the worst horror films we ever had the displeasure of seeing, The Fear: Resurrection, another direct-to-video tax deduction that licks leprous caribou cunt.
The plot of Wishmaster IV, like all the films of the series, revolves around an evil djinn (John Novak of Darkman III: Die Darkman Die [1996 / trailer] and the public domain horror flick Eternal Evil [1985 / full movie]) who, once accidentally released by a blonde, must get his latest victim — in this case here, Lisa (Tara Spencer-Nairn of Final Draft [2007 / trailer]) — to make three wishes so as to be able to release his evil fellow folk onto our world. In between, he grants the wishes made in passing by those whose paths he crosses, usually killing them as he does. Unlike in the earlier films, however, this time around the lady in peril actually makes three wishes — but for some odd reason, he doesn't grant the final wish — "I wish I could love you for who you are" — and, instead, spends his time pondering the meaning of love and trying to make Lisa love him for who he is. Snore. In-between, he makes a few unspectacular kills — indeed, the body count and special effects of this installment are sub-standard for even a direct-to-video piece of shit.
As is known to anyone who has seen any of the franchise installments, the only way to vanquish the djinn is to make a wish that somehow destroys him or brings his downfall — but Lisa's final wish is not such a wish, as the djinn could basically snap his fingers, change the wiring in her brain, make her head-over-heels in love with him, free his fellow djinn, and spawn dozens of half-breeds, thus ruining the purity of the white man's bloodline. (Before you go shitten' yer britches, that was a joke, okay?) In any event, his procrastination is stupid, and endemic of the stupidity of the entire movie, which sorely lacks much of the campiness that helped make the first installment mildly enjoyable. The sudden appearance of a protective angel (Victor Webster of Embrace the Vampire [2014 / trailer]), who is both murderous and ineffectual, pads the time and adds to the body count, but does little to make the movie any more entertaining or logical.
But then, none of the kills are particularly interesting and at least one seems oddly inconsistent: a lawyer (John Benjamin Martin), for example, makes no wish but nevertheless kills himself at the djinn's influence simply because Lisa wishes a court settlement would be reached? Excuse us for failing to see how the court settlement required his death — and, also, if the djinn is so powerful that he can influence others, why can't he simply make Lisa make three wishes? Indeed, he seems to have the power to invade her wet dreams — pictured below — so why can't he bend her will? And, really, perhaps we're being a bit pedantic here, but we do tend to see a difference between a wish ("I wish I could love you for who you are") and a statement of desire ("I'd trade my soul to be a pimple on her ass") — the film pretty much misses the chance of a good laugh with the latter by leaving the result to the viewer's imagination.
Is there anything good about the movie? Well, some of the actors are appealing. Lisa is rather attractive, and the movie's opening does include an extended sex scene which has her bare a lot — a scene that once again proves (especially by way of comparison with the later scene in the strip club) that all natural is way better than all plastic.
All natural:
Likewise, Lisa's true love Sam (Jason Thompson of Circle [2010 / trailer]), may be a bitter asshole for most of the movie, but he is good-looking and while we never get a full frontal, we get a lot of his smooth skin in the sex scene with Lisa. And, indeed, the pre-credit love scene is surprisingly well done and sexy, doing wonders to reflect the happiness the loving young couple enjoys (prior to the appearance of the words "Three years later"). Sure, even a fixer-upper like the house they bought probably cost more than they would have, and, yes, they do screw in a bed found in the attic that, in all likelihood, considering the condition of the house that they don't yet actually live in, would logically be filthy and full of bugs, but hell: the scene does show a level of romantic joie de vivre that indicates the director might be better at women's films or soft-core porn than he obviously is at horror. Indeed, so much of this flick revolves around relationships, lust and love, and sex and desire that one could easily imagine that it was originally meant as a Zalman King project.
But Wishmaster IV, in theory, is a horror film. In theory. Not in theory, however, but in fact: as a horror film, Wishmaster IV is a tedious lick-a-thon that bores until it ends with a whimper. Yes, it has tits — but who watches cheap-shit movies for mammaries, now-a-days? That's what the internet is for.
All plastic:

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